I find it notably paradoxical that oftentimes, I feel most lonely when I’m surrounded by people.
Interestingly, I don’t tend to feel this stomach-sinking emotion when I am all alone.
I think that I’m a fringe person. I dwell just on the outside; within arm’s distance of others, but never closer.
At work, I float around from clique to clique, managing shallow small talk and building bridges just strong enough to give me someone to eat lunch with in the break room.
Within my family, I am amidst most of the inside jokes. But oftentimes, I sabotage our kinship banter with annoyance or moodiness or an inability to just let myself enjoy experiences.
When it comes to anything relating to the male sex, sure, I’ve got a list of dudes that would likely be more than willing to spend an evening with me. They grace me with their attention and overdrawn compliments on the Snapchat or when I post a new selfie featuring my legs.
And I keep them around. Y’know, just in case loneliness sets in.
And for just an initial moment, I gain a minuscule taste of satisfaction.
Every now and then, I feel ballsy and decide to reach out. Give somebody a chance, if you will. But they say that there is no loneliness like the type you feel in another’s company. And they are right.
I’ve caught myself time and time again making the horrific mistake of trying to open up to someone and truly be understood. My cries for help are dismissed, and people come and take what they came for, and then they are back on their merry way.
That being said, I think I’m just intended to be a fringe person. And that entails drawing further and further inward, playing it all safe.
I’ve accepted this reality since the day the pieces of me shattered into too small of fragments that they simply don’t fit together anymore.
And so I carry on, broken and wounded from yesterday’s mistakes.