I typically try to be a little bit more eloquent and creative in titling my blog posts, but this simple, 5-letter word seems to be the most appropriate for encompassing the mood I’ve been in for the past, well, months.
Some nights, when I’m out inhaling the heavy summer air, enjoying the romantic landscape of a late night sunset, I feel carefree and optimistic, and completely in love with my life.
Other nights, and honestly, most nights lately, I feel a sobering sense of hopelessness- like I’ve dug myself into the ground, and there is no rope long enough to rescue me.
I miss who I was before I became who I am now.
I used to wake up every morning as a girl on a mission. I was charismatic, passionate, and a bit of a know-it-all. I knew where I was headed, and nobody was going to stop me. I knew I had a lot to prove, but I also knew more than anyone that I was more than capable. I was engaged in my everyday experiences, and I drank up every opportunity I had to learn something.
Even despite my history of trauma, anxiety-based pathology, body dysmorphia, and self-imposed tendencies to isolate myself.
But now, I am uninspired.
Or, perhaps, simply unconvinced of my own capabilities. Disenchanted with me.
I’m in a maze-no-multiple mazes at once, and I’ve hit a dead end in every one.
I chose an academic path that is insufficient for my career goals.
I chose to associate with people who were capable of more damage to me than I could have ever foreseen, and can no longer outrun the impact.
I am stuck in a body-a cage that I hate-and will never be able to mold into something that I can tolerate.
I am stuck in a toxic atmosphere, where I see real suffering by real people everyday, and am incapable of alleviating it.
I am stuck in a brain that won’t turn off, or simply even slow down.
At home, I feel like an intruder.
I feel distant from everything, as if I’m watching it through a glass barrier in a museum. Close-but not close enough to feel.
The best solution I can draft is the “clean slate” method. I want to run away-start over in a place where nobody has met me. Go by a different variation of my name. Become someone else. Someone better. Someone stronger.
A change of scenery is what I need.
And that, is the sole mechanism that propels me forward-the opportunity to never look back.