Purposive

Now that everybody’s done sharing their tentative New Year’s Resolutions with their online social circles, I think i’ll finally reveal my plans to make myself a less-shitty person than I was in 2015.

 

Though I love the person I’m developing into since my faith crisis, nose-dive into feminism, and increasingly curious mind, I find myself becoming exponentially more cynical, which is something I hate about myself.

I find myself often looking for reasons to be pissed off, which makes it really, REALLY hard to be the happy, energetic ball of sunshine I once aspired to become, but will never be, due to my chronically sarcastic and brazen personality. Indeed, since I’ve been exposed to a whole new world of liberalism, I seem to have the tendency to search for things that people do that strike me as problematic, and will consequently set me off.

There are specific groups of people that are extremely hard for me to get along with (i.e. meninists, anybody who still subscribes to traditional gender roles).  I totally feel justified in avoiding individuals who fall under this category completely, but I also feel that I am much too hard on people.

For example, my dating life is a literal train wreck. Most of my interactions with men are terminated by me giving them a lengthy, wordy lecture about how sexist it is to not be interested in a girl who can’t cook, or won’t send a racy snap-chat after the first date.

I feel like I’m constantly having to defend my feminist views; nothing flips my bitch-switch faster than when a gentleman i’m dating says anything that could be seen as sexist, even if you have to flip it upside down and squint with your left eye.

So i’m going to work on that. Perhaps instead of ripping his head off every time a suitor says something I don’t agree with, I can calmly present my point of view on the matter, and then change the subject as I squeeze the hell out of the stress ball I just bought.

This resolution’s due date might extend into 2063, but it’s all about progress, people.

Additionally, I am going to get out of my own way when it comes to relationships with other people. This is a very poorly-defined goal, but I have very specific quirks that I use in order to build sky-scraping walls around myself, thus protecting my isolation.

First of all, I have got to make peace with my relationship to food and to my body. I’m talking about my obsession/preoccupation about eating in a manner that will cause me dramatic weight loss, and dutiful, religious, nauseating exercise. When one is as engrossed in the aforementioned activities as I have become, there is little time or energy left to spend on stuff that matters significantly more, and after 6 years of eating-disordered behavior and body dysmorphia, I’m tired, damn it. And ready to invest myself in building some meaningful relationships and kicking ass even harder in school.

This problem is never going to resolve itself, so I’ll have to look back into going to therapy.

I always complain about how pathetic it is that I’ve attended my current university for two years, and haven’t made a single friend, but if I’m being honest with myself, I have never once initiated any kind of effort to make friend at college. So this year is going to be different. I am going to focus on becoming more inviting, friendly, and talkative. I am going to take some risks, start some conversations, hell, even ask out a hot guy from my Stats class (after checking his finger for a ring, obviously. We have lots of super young, married folk where I’m from.)

In addition to all of these resolutions, if I have time to spare, perhaps I’ll attempt to kick my caffeine addiction.

Just kidding, I’m taking 19 credit hours. There is no way in hell I’m decreasing my latte consumption.

So there you have it. An outline of how I am going to go from a shitty person in 2015 to a noticeably less-shitty person by the end of 2016.

Happy New Year!

M.

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Purposive

  1. Thank you so much for your comment! I think you’re right-it’s really about choosing your battles. Some people are just lost causes in regards to sexism. I think i’m still in that phase where I’m overwhelmed by all of the subtle sexist attitudes, and am constantly searching them out. I could use a chill pill or two(; I think I come off as bitchy or condescending when I get carried away on one of my rants, which must get awfully annoying. Oh well, I’m working on it.

    Like

  2. Oh the woes of being a feminist and having to explain yourself constantly.

    Over the years, one of the things I’ve learned is that you don’t have to waste your breath explaining things, especially to people who won’t hear it anyway. If they don’t get it (and you can tell if they don’t by how blatantly sexist what they’re saying is), you’re likely not going to convince them in that one sitting. So, unless you’re defending yourself from a current attack, might as well just say “check please” and move along once you’ve hit a brick wall with a meninist/anti-feminist. The other scenario I’ve seen is just socially-learned obliviousness to the issues in the first place. Like, if they say something that is sexist but it seems like they’re just repeating some rhetoric they heard, it might be a nice conversation to challenge them, ask questions on why they think that way, etc. Someone like this might not be maliciously being sexist but just doesn’t understand why what they’re saying is sexist, and with a little conversation about it (not a one-sided lecture) they’ll discover for themselves, “holy shit, maybe I have been seeing the world all wrong!” It doesn’t happen all the time, but it does happen.

    You aren’t shitty, you’re just learning how to navigate through the swamp of idiocy, it’s a rite of passage.

    Liked by 1 person

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