Englut

I’m in an abnormal psychology class this semester, and let me tell you, Psych majors are a lot like Med students in that we tend to diagnose ourselves with whatever disorder we are currently discussing in class. I am guilty as charged.

Except for when i’m not, and I really do qualify for the diagnosis of discussion.

I make no secret of my eating disorder. Don’t believe me? Check out my About page. I am a recovered Anorexic, according to my BMI. However, in regards to my mental health, my eating disorder is thriving as well as it was when I was in junior high some five or so years ago. Those self-destructive thoughts you have when you’re eating 300 calories a day and running every last one of them off still linger, even after you’ve managed to eat yourself into the “Healthy Weight” category.

I always love the unit on disordered eating in psychology courses. Out of everything I learn in school, ED is one topic that I know like the back of my hand. I can give you symptoms, treatment plans, multi-dimensional risk factors, you name it! But more than that, I can give you a monologue for an ED victim, because, of course, that would simply require me to write down my day-to-day thought processes.

The most fascinating thing i’ve learned about my own disorder is that recovered anorexics can often morph into binge eaters. As an anorexic, I didn’t even consider this as a possibility. My 78-pound self couldn’t fathom ever eating more than 7 carrots in one day!

And yet, here I am. Five years later, still obsessed with food. Still obsessed with my weight. Body image. Calories. Carbohydrates. Refined sugars. GMO’s. I’d be willing to say that a good 65% of my inner monologue includes words from this type of vocabulary set.

I binge. Maybe once a week. I did today, and now i’m sitting here, writing about how I screwed up my no-carb, high protein diet, just like yesterday. Okay, so maybe Aunt Flo can take credit for this binge episode, but regardless, I probably would have done it tonight, period or not.

For someone who suffers from anorexic tendencies, a binge piles on more anxiety to an already overwhelmingly high amount of anxiety over weight gain, and it just keeps snowballing into more and more anxiety.

Y’know how long it’s been since I went to a restaurant without researching its nutritional facts, premeditating my order so that I was assured to get the lowest calorie meal? I do this for dates, birthdays, vacations, and any other reason you can possibly think of to go out to eat. Other nineteen-year-olds roll up to the drive-thru like it ain’t no thang and they order whatever they want AND a frosty! And don’t even think twice about it. I can’t even imagine what that would be like, to eat something I wanted and suffer no remorse whatsoever!

I can’t seem to shake this obsession with food and weight. I’ve tried the counselor thing. I’ve asked the advice of my mom, to which she said, “You’ve just got to have more willpower.” I can’t seem to find a plausible solution here, folks. So I guess i’m asking you guys, what methods have you tried to cope with disordered eating, specifically binging, and how have they been successful?

If you can’t think of anything, that’s cool too. I still find writing therapeutic.

M.

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7 thoughts on “Englut

  1. You’re so welcome dear! I also agree, that it’s very frustrating and disheartening, but it’s wonderful that you are able to talk about it openly. You’re a catalyst for change, for helping to stop the development of ED. I’ve had this darkness within me for 12 years now, sometimes it’s much worse than others, but l refuse to accept it as part of who I am…I want to be stronger than it is. 🙂
    Best of luck to you too and I hope that you have a good, healthy, loving weekend!
    Xo,
    Whitney

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  2. Thank you so much for your comment and insight! It is really disheartening, how many women are dealing with ED. I have been dealing with it for years now, and have kind of just accepted it as part of who I am. I read your post, and I think it provides some excellent advice on how to take care of yourself! Best of luck to you on your recovery journey! Take care!

    M.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Maddie, it’s so very nice to meet you! I think you are so brave for talking about recovering from you ED. I’ve only ever told two people before about my ED, and though I’ve never received professional help and though my family has never talked to me about it, I managed to find a healthy and happy spot in my life. The best thing that you can do is to talk about and not hide your feelings, or the anger that you get from binging. Kudos to you for working so hard to overcome this problem! 🙂

    I just wrote a post with some info my doctors gave me on how to stay healthy, easily, and how to take care of yourself without my effort. Let me know what you think about it, or if any tips speak out to you? 🙂 http://bit.ly/1FQctwW

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  4. I was recently hospitalized for an eating disorder, which stemmed from my anxiety disorder. The things that have helped me the most are being on the right medications and finally finding a therapist that helped. It took me several tries of both meds and therapists to find a good fit. Also I found that talking with a nonjudgemental dietician was super beneficial for me. Another thing is that if I’m having a hard day I’ll distract myself while eating and try to nibble while watching netflix, etc.

    A note about binge eating: try not to shame yourself for it. Obviously it’s important to keep track of your own habits and address things that are harmful, but there is a connection between anorexia and binging (as you know) and I recently read that this can be caused by the body reacting to not having enough food/nutrients and overloading when the chance arises. Binging when suffering from an eating disorder isn’t something you can control, it’s not an issue of willpower.

    I know what it’s like to feel that horrible trapped feeling, like you’ll never break free of the darkness. It sucks. I hope that you can find things that help you soon.

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  5. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggle with ED, and I really appreciate your encouraging words! Disordered eating habits seem unbreakable at times, and it gets to be a little more than I can handle. Thank you so much for reading, and take care!

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  6. I had disordered eating in high school, though my lingering symptoms/tendencies aren’t nearly as strong as yours. From the sound of it, I’m about a decade farther along in my recovery, so maybe that has something to do with it… (Which is to say, it gets better.) Personally, my fixation tended around controlling my weight as something I could control, not the thought that I was fat as I would never be allowed to get away with such thinking. All that said, I still don’t keep a scale in my house due to the lingering fear/knowledge that I could easily become fixated on controlling that number again.

    Liked by 1 person

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